next »

[H-kon]

Time for a joke thread. Not sure if you guys and gals tolerate such, but it's worth a try:

Anything goes :-)

I'll start:

I'm going to be the next Hitler. I'm going to kill 50 thousand Jews and a clown.

Why the clown?

See! No one cares about the Jews!

Q: What do you call 4 hispanics, an asian and 3 black people standing in a line?
A: A water sprinkler



spic spic spic spic chink nigga nigga nigga

A lady walks into Tiffany`s. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she lets out a fart. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn`t pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional salesman in a store like Tiffany`s, and greets the lady with, `Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?` Feeling uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little `accident`, she asks, `Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?` He answers, `Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you`re going to sh*t when I tell you the price!`

[H-kon]

A couple more:
 

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said,
"Okay, where's my hundred?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife.
But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner."

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly.

"The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

[clifton]

Some good ones there. 

I agree, time for this thread.

I, of course, being the  one, shall behave myself.........  

[H-kon]

Please don't behave

[clifton]

Man's Best Friend....

A dog is truly man's best friend! If you don't believe me, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of your car for an hour.
When you open the trunk...Who is really happy to see you?!!!! 

[Elf]

^

Please don't behave

So we can be naughty in this thread but we must behave in the smile thread?

[H-kon]

You can be naughty everywhere

[Elf]

I like this idea.

[Elf]

Blonde jokes.

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

[H-kon]

haha. those were funny!

A guy gets on a bus and looks for a place to sit. The only seat is in the far back next to a nun. The guy takes the seat.
After a bit of driving the nun says to him "can I ask you for a very embarrassing favor?"
The man is a little thrown by the question but says "sure"
The nun says "I, being a nun, have never had sex. I would like to once before I die but I have to have sex with another virgin to stay pure. Are you a virgin and could you do me this favor?"
The guy likes the idea of sex with a nun but is not a virgin. He thinks about it for a few seconds and says "Sister I happen to be a virgin and am willing to do this."
The nun says "Great but you will have to have sex with my ass because my vagina is reserved for God."
The man agrees and the nun hikes up he skirt and mounts him while oddly none of the other passengers notice them.
When they are done the man feels a great deal of guilt about his lie and says, "Sister I have to confess, I was not a virgin, I'm sorry that I gave into temptation and lied to you."
After several minutes of uncomfortable silence the nun says "My child your honesty means I have a little confession of my own. My name is Larry and I'm on the way to a costume party."

One more:

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, each of them pregnant, are sitting at a coffee shop chatting away. Out of the blue, the brunette said, "You know, I'm going to be having a boy."

"How could you know that?" snapped the redhead. "You haven't had an ultrasound yet."

The brunette replied, "My husband was on top at the time of conception. It's a well-known fact this means my baby is a boy."

"Oh," said the redhead, "I guess that means I will be having a girl."

The blonde started sobbing uncontrollably. "What's the matter?" asked the brunette. Choking back the tears, the blonde replied, "I'm going to have puppies!"

[Elf]

^LOL. 

The Stork...

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.
Little Johnny at the back of the class put his hand up and asks the teacher, are you sure about the stork, miss? I think your getting your birds mixed up 'Cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the beach.!!!

[clifton]

 ^

Some people are like slinkies,
they don't really have a purpose, but they still bring a smile
to your face when you push them down the stairs. 

Lines to make you smile......

My Husband and I divorced over religious differences, he thought he was God, I did not.
Beauty is in the eye of the "beer holder".
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
Being "over the hill" is better than being under it.
"Wrinkled" was not one of the things I wanted to be when grew up.
Stupidity is "NOT" a handicap, park elsewhere.


Best quote ever regarding women!!!

Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm,
she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you
give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you
her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any
 crap, be ready to receive a ton of sh**

[H-kon]

hehe. those brought a smile to my face on a quiet day at work

I'll see if i can dig up some more. Keep them coming!

[clifton]

A guy walks into a local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says "Hi.... you know, I just HATE drawing welfare checks, I'd really rather have a job."
The Social Worker behind the counter says,  "your timing is excellent, we just got an opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter".
" You will have to drive around in his Mercedes, he will supply all of your clothes, and because of all the long hours, your meals meals will be provided. you will be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.
You will have to satisfy all her sexual urges. you will be provided with a two bedroom apartment, over the garage.
The starting salary is $ 90,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, says "your bulls*itin' me".
The Social Worker says "yeah, well...... you started it". 

[clifton]

One thing I have learned over the years,.....
If it has tires or testicles, it's gonna give me problems.   

( sorry guys, but I roared when I heard this one, lmao )

[clifton]

My New Mouse.....

http://www.overclockeddoc.com/clifton/pictures/NEW_MOUSE%5b1%5d.wmv

[themystic]

Same characters as in the clip clifton posted, a bit longer with some kung fu at the start http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=deWKKSAc96M

[H-kon]

Shelman goes to the doctors and asks for a sperm count.
“What?” says the doc “You’re 79!!!”
“It’s my right” says Shelman.
“OK”, says the doc, “take this jar home, fill it with a sperm sample and bring it back for analysis.”

Shelman returns a week later with an empty jar. “So, what happened?", asks the doc.

“Well”, says Shelman, "I tried with my right hand, then I tried with my left hand, then I shouted for my wife and she tried with her right hand, then she tried with her left hand, then she tried with her teeth in, then she tried with her teeth out, but we still couldn’t get the goddamn lid off!”
-------------------------------

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"

At New York's Kennedy airport today an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

The Attorney General believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed", the Attorney General said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like "x" and "y", and, although they are frequently referred to as "unknowns", we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

"As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are three sides to every triangle." When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
----------------------------

A civil engineering student was walking through campus when he happened upon his friend, who was riding an impressive motorbike.

"Wow, where'd you get the cool bike?" he enquired.

"Funny story," replied his friend. "I was on my way to survey a site, when a young woman pulled up on her bike, took off all her clothes, stood naked in front of me and said: Take whatever you want..."

"Yeah, good choice," came the response. "The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
----------------------------------



So a Texan visits Ireland to "culture himself." He walks into an Irish pub and issues a challenge to everyone in the pub. "I'LL BET ALL OF YOU 500 AMERICAN DOLLARS THAT I CAN DRINK ANY OF YOU FUNNY TALKIN' BASTARDS UNDER THE TABLE. 50 MUGS OF BEER, FIRST ONE TO FINISH WINS!" The bar patrons stir, but no one moves to call his bet. The Texan notices one man leave the pub, and thinks he's big stuff. Half an hour later the man walks back into the bar and says "I'LL TAKE YOUR BET!" The Texan replies, "why did you leave the first time I issued my challenge" to which the Irishman replies, "hell mate I went across the street to another pub to see if I could do it first!"

--------------------------------------

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
----------------------------------------


Where do middle-class trees live?

The shrubburbs.
-------------------------------------


DIRTY JOKE AHEAD!!! AHOY!!

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

------------------------------------------------


Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE".

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.
-------------------

[H-kon]

And some more:


So a man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but saran warp. The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
-----------------

[clifton]

  

[Elf]

I particularly I liked the mouse video and the "ed was in trouble" one.

More blonde jokes:
--------------------

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
--------------------

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
--------------------

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

[clifton]

Last one....good one...lol 

[clifton]

                                           A CHILD'S PRAYER

                              
                  

                              DEAR GOD;
                              
                              THIS YEAR, PLEASE SEND CLOTHES FOR ALL THOSE POOR
                                  
                              LADIES IN DADDIE'S COMPUTER.....AMEN!!!

[clifton]

                     

[clifton]

When you leave your computer on all night, ever wonder what the icons are doing?

http://www.xs4all.nl/~jvdkuyp/flash/see.htm

[H-kon]

Nice one Clifton.

This one is pretty nasty, but i can't stop laughing.

Please. One ticket on the short bus to hell. Window seat.

[clifton]

 

[clifton]

A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLD..




     crap



I FORGET WHAT IT WAS.                    

[clifton]

The newest truck in town........

[Elf]

The  Good Grandpa

 


A  woman in a grocery store  happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda in their respective aisles. Meanwhile, Gramps is  working his way around, saying in a controlled  voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say,  "It's okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of  here.  Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a  controlled voice is says, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert."


Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

 

"You know, sir, it's none of  my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "I'm Albert --  the little bastard's name is Steve."