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[clifton]

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy", the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age", the mother replies. "it's not polite".
"OK", the little girl says, how much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and really none of your business".
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My mom won't tell me anything about herself," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well,"says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. it's like a report card, it has everything on it.
Later that night the little girl says to her mother "I know how old you are. You are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, " how did you find that out?"
I also know that you weigh 130 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in Heaven's name did you find that out?"
"and", the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and Daddy got a divorce".
"Oh really," the mother asks. "Why"
"Because you got an F in sex.   

[Elf]

^ LOL. Good one.

[H-kon]

hahaha

[clifton]

I recently picked a new primary care Doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. (now over 60)
A little concerned about that comment,I couldn't resist asking him, "do you think I will live to be 80
 or maybe 90?"
He asked, "do you smoke tobacco, or drink wine or beer?"
"Oh no, I replied.. "I'M not doing drugs either."
Then he asked, "do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said " not much, my former Dr. said that all that red meat is very unhealthy."
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like golfing, swimming, hiking?"
"No, I don't", I said.
He looked at me and said "Then why do you even give a sh**?"

[clifton]

Some Chuckles......
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat
have gotten to be really close friends. 

The easiest way to find a lost item is to buy a replacement.

Did you ever notice: the Roman numerals for forty(40) is XL

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads were not paved. 

When you get discouraged and want to go back to youth, think of algebra!!!   

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is Comfortable.

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth......Amen!!!

[clifton]

A man was telling his friend,"while I was out last night, someone broke into my house".
The friend asked,"did he get anything"?.
"Yes" the man answered, "he got three broken teeth, two cracked ribs and a swift kick 'you know where'. my
wife thought it was me, coming home drunk again". 

[clifton]

SEX AT 82

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 82!

I'm soooooo happy, because I live at 73..... so  don't have far to walk home afterwards!

[H-kon]

LOL!

Not much of a joke, but something i read:

Two people are debating history:

Person 1: You do know that history is made every day right?
Person 2: Nope, history is only made when a german crosses the border without permission.


I thought it was funny

[clifton]

   

[clifton]

Women are like phones, they like to be held,talked to and touched often.
But push the wrong button, and your butt is disconnected.......      

[H-kon]

LOL. Good one CLifton!

[Elf]

LOL. That was funny Clifton.

[Elf]

Dirty joke ahead.

Little boy at the nude beach.

THIS IS PRICELESS.....

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,

'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.'

[clifton]

 

[H-kon]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

[clifton]