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[clifton]

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy", the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age", the mother replies. "it's not polite".
"OK", the little girl says, how much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and really none of your business".
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My mom won't tell me anything about herself," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well,"says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. it's like a report card, it has everything on it.
Later that night the little girl says to her mother "I know how old you are. You are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, " how did you find that out?"
I also know that you weigh 130 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in Heaven's name did you find that out?"
"and", the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and Daddy got a divorce".
"Oh really," the mother asks. "Why"
"Because you got an F in sex.   

[Elf]

^ LOL. Good one.

[H-kon]

hahaha

[clifton]

I recently picked a new primary care Doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. (now over 60)
A little concerned about that comment,I couldn't resist asking him, "do you think I will live to be 80
 or maybe 90?"
He asked, "do you smoke tobacco, or drink wine or beer?"
"Oh no, I replied.. "I'M not doing drugs either."
Then he asked, "do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said " not much, my former Dr. said that all that red meat is very unhealthy."
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like golfing, swimming, hiking?"
"No, I don't", I said.
He looked at me and said "Then why do you even give a sh**?"

[clifton]

Some Chuckles......
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat
have gotten to be really close friends. 

The easiest way to find a lost item is to buy a replacement.

Did you ever notice: the Roman numerals for forty(40) is XL

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads were not paved. 

When you get discouraged and want to go back to youth, think of algebra!!!   

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is Comfortable.

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth......Amen!!!

[clifton]

A man was telling his friend,"while I was out last night, someone broke into my house".
The friend asked,"did he get anything"?.
"Yes" the man answered, "he got three broken teeth, two cracked ribs and a swift kick 'you know where'. my
wife thought it was me, coming home drunk again". 

[clifton]

SEX AT 82

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 82!

I'm soooooo happy, because I live at 73..... so  don't have far to walk home afterwards!

[H-kon]

LOL!

Not much of a joke, but something i read:

Two people are debating history:

Person 1: You do know that history is made every day right?
Person 2: Nope, history is only made when a german crosses the border without permission.


I thought it was funny

[clifton]

   

[clifton]

Women are like phones, they like to be held,talked to and touched often.
But push the wrong button, and your butt is disconnected.......      

[H-kon]

LOL. Good one CLifton!

[Elf]

LOL. That was funny Clifton.

[Elf]

Dirty joke ahead.

Little boy at the nude beach.

THIS IS PRICELESS.....

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,

'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.'

[clifton]

 

[H-kon]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

[clifton]

    

[clifton]

                                           THE ORIGINAL COMPUTER!!!!
                                 


Memory was something you lost with age.

An application was for employment.

A program was a t.v. show.

A curser used profanity.

A keyboard was a piano.

A web was a spiders' home.


A virus was the flu.

A CD was a bank account.

A hard drive was a long trip on the road.

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.

And if you had a 3 inch floppy,you just hoped nobody ever found out..

[H-kon]

haha. Funny!

Ok, My contribution:

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps in to?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong

[H-kon]

Another one:

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one pröblem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain."

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced".

"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man fröm a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless boob?"

[H-kon]

Another one since the hunting begins this Monday over here:

The guys were all at a deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.

No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly.

They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said,'Man, what happened to you?'

He said, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all
night.'

The next night it was a different guy's turn.


In the morning, same thing - hair all standi ng up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!'

He said, 'Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night .'

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.

'Good morning,' he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, 'Man, what happened?'

He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his butt and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night.'

[H-kon]

A couple of short ones:

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming,so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts,and some apple, and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond,as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him,'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to see you ladies naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'
-----------------------------


A guy is adrift on a boat with a pack of cigarettes but no matches. How did he get his smoking fix?

He tossed one cigarette overboard and that made the boat a cigarette lighter.

[clifton]

Good ones. 

[Elf]

Haha. those where funny.

Here is one.

--------------------------------------

A Well-Planned Retirement



 

Outside England 's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot

for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its

parking fees were managed by a very pleasant

attendant. The fees were £1 for cars ($1.40),

 

£5 for buses (about $7).

 Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing

 a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo

Management called the City Council and asked it

to send them another parking agent.

 


The Council did some research and replied that the

parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility.

 

The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was

a City employee..

 

The City Council responded that the lot attendant

 

had never been on the City payrole.

 



Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain

 

(or some such scenario), is a man who'd apparently had a

 

 ticket machine installed completely on his own; and then

had simply begun to show up every day, commencing

to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about

$560 per day -- for 25 years.

Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over

$7 million dollars!
.....
And no one even knows his name.

[clifton]

 
Why didn't I think of that? 

[H-kon]

Hmm. Since i am changing jobs these days, that might be the ticket

[clifton]

   Just sayin'...

[clifton]

A man in newfoundland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says "I hate to ruin your day but your Mother and I are divorcing, 45 years of misery is enough".

"Dad, what are you talking about ?," the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says."we're sick of each other and i'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, " like Hell they're getting a divorce", she shouts. "I'll take care of this". She calls newfoundland immediately and screams at her father, "you are NOT getting  divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we will both be there tomorrow. until then,don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife.

"Done!..... They're coming for Christmas--and they're paying their own way."

[H-kon]

hehehe. Funny

[Elf]

funny one clifton and the Perfect Airport Security Solution, sounds like a good idea.

[clifton]

                              A WINTER POEM
           It's winter here in Canada, and winter breezes blow
           70 miles an hour, at 35 below
           
           Oh, how I love Canada when the snow's up to your butt
           you take a breath of winter and you nose gets frozen shut.

           yes, the weather here is wonderful, so I guess i'll hang around.
           I could never leave my Canada, cuz i'm frozen to the ground.

           

            98% of Canadians say "Oh shi*" before going in a ditch on a slippery road.
            The other 2% are from Newfoundland and they say,"hold my beer and watch this".